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Monday, January 19, 2015

Baby Quinn

This isn't my typical post, but I don't think I can go on posting, acting like it didn't happen. I wrote it a while ago... Just never could get the courage to post it. So here I go. I'm finally going to let it all out, in hopes of helping other women. Sad to say, that even though I've been a mother for many years, I never truly understood what it must have been like for other women. In my case, hearing other stories and having someone to talk to, has been the biggest help.

The end of last year was a difficult one for our family, but at the same time beautiful. The beginning of August we found out we were expecting our 5th child. By the end of that month we found out I had miscarried at almost 9 weeks. I had always wondered, how would I handle a tragedy. One that involved my children. I know I have faith in God, but would that be enough to carry me through? We were beyond excited to add to our family. So the loss was real. It hurt. It still hurts. But I have never felt closer to God in my life.

August 22, 2014 will always be etched in my mind. I had my first OB appt that day. I had to bring all the kids as usual, because we homeschool. So of course the kids are with me all the time. No biggie though. We do everything together. The appt went fine, but then I requested an ultrasound. My periods are way off, so we never know my exact due date.

My first appt was at 11am. The ultrasound was scheduled for 2pm. I had to find something to do to keep the kids busy, since my OB is an hour from my home. So we went to the mall and got lunch. 

At this ultrasound children are not allowed in, so a nurse waited outside with them. As soon as the ultrasound began I knew something was wrong. The tech told me matter of factly, "Sorry hun, I don't think this pregnancy is viable." She acted like it was no big deal. Asked me if I've had pregnancy symptoms. Like morning sickness, etc. Which I replied, "I never have any. I get fat, feel a kick, and then have a baby." My pregnancy's were always perfect. No problems. So finding out my baby wasn't growing and didn't have a heart beat was a complete shock.

My ultrasound was over about 2:30pm, and then I had to wait for the dr. I didn't call my husband, because I wasn't sure what was wrong. Maybe the tech was wrong... Maybe the dr. would say some miracle happened. As I walked out of the tech's room, trying to wipe tears from my eyes, and hide my pain, the kids could immediately tell something was wrong. I kept saying it was okay, until they put us in a room alone to wait for the doctor. Then I explained to them the baby did not have a heart beat and was in heaven. They looked shocked, but they took it well.

It was a Friday afternoon and most of the doctors had gone home. So we had to wait 2 hours before an on call doctor could come see me. She was amazing though. She explained to me my options... She hugged me... She told me it was okay to cry in front of the kids... I was told I could go home and miscarry on my own, I could go home with medicine that would make me miscarry, or I could have a D&C. I was in such shock I didn't know what to do. I hadn't even told my husband yet.

I felt like if the pregnancy was over, I just wanted it done with. Also I bleed very bad after delivering. I was afraid what if I bled too much at home and there was complications? But I also didn't want to have a D&C, because what if the baby was okay? I didn't want to harm it. I asked if they would do another ultrasound before a D&C. She said no, because they had already done one. I told her if I had a D&C that I wanted an ultrasound before hand to make sure my baby was gone for sure before preceding. So she agreed. We scheduled it for Monday, but she said I could cancel if it I wanted to. There was no rush, and she didn't want to push me into anything.

So finally around 4:30pm, we started home. It was a gloomy, rainy day. The poor kids had been at the doctor's since about 10:30, besides going to lunch. The 1 year old hadn't had a nap. Everyone was exhausted and cranky. As soon as we got in the car the youngest 3 immediately fell asleep.

As I pulled out of the hospital parking lot I finally made the call. I couldn't even breathe as I tried to explain to my husband what had just happened. Then I called my sister and mother. After getting off the phone, I turned up the music and just kept thinking Jesus is with me. It's okay. The rain was coming down, and the first song that came on was Natalie Grant's Hurricane. The words had never meant so much to me as they did then.

You're spinning out of control again
Your life feels like a sinking ship
You're wondering how it came to this

Is it too late?
Is it too far?
For Him to reach you
And come to where you are

Step out on the edge
Don't be afraid of it
And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

You're in the wreckage underneath
Your hope is buried somewhere deep
You're wondering how long it will keep?

It's never too late
Never too far
For you to reach out
And take a hold of love

Step out on the edge
Don't be afraid of it
And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

Don't back down from the fight
He'll shelter you tonight
Just hold on for the change
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

There's a place, there's a place you can run
When you fall, and it's all come undone
You'll be safe in the raging storm
So just let go
'Cause you are held in His arms

Step out on the edge
Don't be afraid of it
And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

Ooo ooo...

And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in a hurricane

The words "Step out on the edge. Don't be afraid of it. And when you feel the rain. Call His name. He'll find you in the hurricane.", felt like Jesus was right there speaking to me. Telling me it was alright. He knew. He knew how I felt. He knew my pain. 

At first I wasn't sure if I was just in shock. I felt this strange calm. I was crying, but I felt at peace. That why ever this happened, it was in God's plan, and it was going to be okay. Then while the song was still playing a rainbow appeared on my windshield. Not in the sky. But across my windshield. From one corner to the other. I thought I was seeing things. I immediately called for my oldest son. Seeing as he was the only one awake. Asking if he was seeing it too. It felt like a sign from God. I felt like he was wrapping his arms around me. Showing me that he was right there by my side. 

When I was home and had a minute to check my phone, I found this photo. My kids had been playing with my phone while I was in the ultrasound and this was the only picture they took. It looked so dark, empty, sad, & lonely. Pretty close to how I felt. 

The next few days were incredibly hard. I tried to not think about it, but nothing else could stop it from consuming my thoughts. Monday couldn't come soon enough. I wanted to see that ultrasound again. 

Monday my husband and I went back to the doctors. The ultrasound was first. It was with a different tech, and she said the same thing. The sac was deformed, empty but with a placenta, and no heart beat. Then we headed to see my doctor. She explained to me I had what was called a Blighted Ovum. Something I had never heard of before. Which is strange because it accounts for about half of all miscarriages. Basically it meant that something was wrong genetically with the baby. Right in the beginning when it was starting to form. My body knew, instinctively that something was wrong and terminated the pregnancy itself. 

The news was hard. I was hoping for some miracle. In the end, I was then sent to the OR to have a D&C. I know it's not what every woman would choose, but it was what was right for me. Not only for health reasons, but for my sanity.  

Afterwards, even though some might think it is strange, I wanted to give this baby a name. We won't ever know if it was a boy or girl. So I had to think of gender neutral names. The kids kept asking questions and my oldest daughter said, "I just wish I knew if it was a boy or girl so I didn't have to call it it." I knew exactly how she felt. After talking with a friend she mentioned Quinn. I didn't like it, but then she said "Quinn, like number 5?" That was it. I knew right away that name was perfect. Quinn. Our number 5. 

Since then a lot more has happened. They noticed a fibroid (didn't know what that was either) during my first ultrasound. So we decided to remove it in December in case it had any possible effect on my pregnancy. Long story short, after being put to sleep, the dr realized it would cause more harm to remove it. So it was left alone. Now we will keep an eye on it, and if it continues to grow, then we'll eventually have to remove it. 

The number one question I get now is "Will you have more kids?". The answer is I have no idea. I think about it every day. Should we try again? Should we just adopt? Is this a sign our family is complete? As in every aspect of our lives, we want to follow God's plan. Where ever he leads us we'll go. When the time comes he'll show us.

Until then, we'll keep living our lives. Raising the 4 beautiful kids we have here on earth, and teaching them to lean on him just the same. In the good and the bad. That is the one thing I took from this. Without Jesus, I don't know how I would have gotten through this. Even in my sadness, there is a comfort that cannot be explained. And that is beautiful. 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4


  1. Thank you for sharing sweetheart! I lost my second child, Isaac, to miscarage at 16 weeks. My water broke when I was at the mall with my sister and my one year old. My husband was in Iraq, in the Navy, at the time. I was ashamed and embarrased and I announced our pregnancy to our church. It was the end of my world and at the same time I knew my boy was ok with Jesus. I knew i would be ok. That I was held. Praying for you! Also, I had two girls and one boy after him. So we all have someone to look forward to! <3

  2. Thank you for your honesty. I had 2 miscarriages, one after the other. The first was about 14 weeks and the second was like yours and at 9. It does cross your mind if this is it; no more babies­čśó But that wasn't the end for me. God blessed us with 2 more healthy children since then and another on the way. You just never know. I also felt closer to God afterwards, even though its a time that was difficult to go through. I just put my trust in him and he continues to amaze me every day. Hugs and prayers